The journals (pt 1)
I’m a big time scribbler, there is a different voice that comes from my pen as opposed to my keyboard. I sketch, write down half formed thoughts, dreams, poems, and ramblings. So I’ve decided to go back into my recent journals and share some of them with you. I hope you enjoy.
Today I am going to work on walking humbly. Be careful of my own pride because it is false confidence, showing only insecurities. You do not need to prove yourself to anyone. Especially yourself Ian, you are a good person. Capable of so much love and compassion which is worth so much more than any achievement or badass title. That is why people love you, not what you achieve. Who you are is what people carry with them. So walk humbly, smile easily, and be gentle with yourself.
Thursday, slowness.
This is so ironic (arrow drawn to smudge of ink above passage) My brain works so much more smoothly when I first take a deep breath and center my emotions. I approach problems so much more level headed. Slowness is such a gift but we see it as such a chore. It is instead such a beautiful gift [I don’t edit my thoughts very much]. It is the slow breath of a loved one as we drift off to sleep. The safety of simply being without the drive of endorphins. There is a reason why we prioritize speed. It is the perception that we must always be producing, always generating revenue, this is a lie. We should value the methodical, the meditative, the depth of slowness.
So Ian, Fitz, take your breaths, slow down your racing heart. Enjoy the moments between breaths and love the gentleness of existence. This is where you will learn to love yourself, not for what you are achieving, but for who you are.
Perfection is not reality. We should strive insead to appreciate things that still work, see through the flaws to the core of value which lies not w/ static perfection, but in the ability to function.
Don’t worry ‘bout hating me darlin’
I’ve got that one covered for two
Don’t lie awake at night thinking your right
I ain't got no choice in lying here thinking that too
When you walked out that door, drove down that road, put us down
I was sitting there holding it all
So don’t worry about hating me darlin’
We both know you can’t hate me the way I do
Counters were made for sitting
In patches of sunlight and dim candles
With coffee and wine
Cross legged and sprawled across
Silently with music and deep in conversation
When they are dirty and clean
Legs dangling and resting on the stoll
Counters were made for sitting.
Taking time with my thoughts and giving them grace. They are new to this world and need time to mature and develop from ideas and initial flashes of intellect. They need to be ruminated on and allowed to flow into their most complete form. There is a very simple joy which comes from watching ink flow from a pen onto paper. It cannot be defined by other measurements or standards. It has hope contained in itself because of its very nature. Hope from potential. Much like the moment between focus and capture of a picture. Until it is viewed for the value it has based on its quality it has infinite quality. It is without limit structure or boundary of potential.
A note to calypso:
My floors are covered in the little drip stains
Of the coffee that slops out of my mug every time
You stroll through my head
Little lapses in my focus
While you curl up in my lap
You are the flour on my counter,
The crumbs around my sink
You are the pieces of my day I leave a trail of
I will look at later as I tidy up
And some days I leave them there,
So every time I think
I should wipe up that drip…
I can think of you instead
The joy of laughter.
Does it change quality with the subject matter being laughed about?
I think belly laughter is my favorite. It makes the whole body feel warm. I think that this state is where we are at our best as individuals and as a society.
I want to be more ready in my life for others to make me laugh. To listen to stories and to expect joy from my fellow humans. What does this look like? How do I create a space where I am not focused on staying externally quiet but am internally curious. Be expecting wonderful things to come from others. You cannot learn when you are doing all of the generation of information. So tie your sense of wonder to listening and absorbing, see where that takes you.
There are warzones without bullets
Places where the callused indifference of poverty rips through flesh in place of shrapnel
Places forgotten to our campaigns and the flash of correspondent lenses
Where the slow creep of disease and famine are not driven by malice or greed
The places being claimed into rust and the decay that walks unflinchingly forward
This is where we should go
To the forgotten
Towards the need for love
To the best laid plans and earnest intentions which crumbled in the face of a need deeper than money
This is a dry land
With beauty that takes time
The same time which peels the paint and crumbles the brick
With communities strong in their resolve to survive
Families with roots deep into this red dirt
Deep enough to find the water which never falls
Blooming green in spite of expectations
The quiet and persistent life that clings behind the thorns necessary to survive
We learn in these places, can be forged in them if we allow
We thread our needles once again and prepare to stitch the holes not cut by bullets
Reggie
Oh, it almost breaks your heart, actually it does a little bit. To leave a loved one behind for an adventure. To cherish those last moments in the sun. To remember so much time spent together. So much frustration, so much love, so much innocence. When I found you, you were tiny, on the side of a road not sure if you had runoff like I would find you tend to do or if some human had left you there alone in a ditch. A little bit of jerky and I tempted you, it was the first time I ever picked you up; you were so small. You wore my sunglasses and my hat and I didn't know you were slowly working yourself into my heart. You got your bath that day, and you always hated it, I probably traumatize you a little and I'm sorry for that. But I was a young kid, and I didn't know any better in all the moments. Thank you for being loyal and adventurous and challenging. People complement me on how well-behaved you are and I truly can't take any credit for that, because this was just your nature from the start. But you're coming over now, and this is one of those last moments. So I'm gonna finish this brief section with an I love you, and I wish you nothing but adventures and joy, and I hope to be holding you soon.
Well, I hope you enjoyed these. I tried to provide them unfiltered and as they were written to the best of my ability. These are moments in time, words born of emotion, I give them to you to do with them what you will, this is me.
Wishing you nothing but love and joy
-Fitz
