Welcome to August

I sat down at my computer, turned it on, and my brain hadn’t clicked in that I was sitting down to write yet. I’ve been drafting all day in my head but somehow my brain was kept out of the loop. Today I really focused on my anger, a part of me that often becomes louder when I am feeling frustrated, when I feel I’m not living up to my potential or achieving what I should be. My anger walks in and starts protecting me. I tried today to look past its presence, because it is a form of laziness. To sit across the table from someone passing judgment and looking with eyes where all you see is flaws lacks the effort to understand.

I think my anger comes from my recognition that every time I see a shortcoming in someone, I see my own flaws. How can I ever be angry until I am perfect? That’s the great comedy in this, for every flaw we see in someone we carry the capacity for, we are them as much as we are composed of the food we eat. Leading with love seems to be the only discernable solution. Seeing beyond the barriers everyone has, to the planet full of grown up children who still have those hopes somewhere inside, even if it has been buried under a mountain of life. We all have hard days, we all feel joy, we all need help sometimes. I am trying to put my anger to rest, let it know I no longer need it to protect me anymore, I would rather just feel the pain and love. I would rather just let Ian stand vulnerable and flawed as he always has been. Knowing that anything I achieve or any good I can contribute will never be an effort of one, it will be me hopefully pushing in a common direction for better, striving to make existence lighter. Hopefully spreading love, flaws and all. 

Love,

Fitz